Dear McDonald's,
Hi, it's me. Look, we need to talk. This isn't working anymore. You know it. I know it. This isn't easy to say since we've been together for so long.
I BREAK UP.
I want to say, "It's not you, it's me" - but it's totally you. Not to be rude, but you take yourself too seriously now. You walk around all high and mighty acting like someone you aren't. I just can't stand you anymore. We both know the real you. It isn't like you've changed. You're just ACTING like you have.
You make delicious food. I loved the way you used to just put THAT out there. No pretense about "nutritional value" or "high quality" anything. Just plain old fashioned crap to eat. If anyone didn't like it - GTFO.
I loved how when you used to see me drive up, you'd just give me exactly what I wanted while taking exactly what you wanted in return. No judgment. No BS. It was all SO real.
And yes, I know I shouldn't have been there. I know you are not always good for me, but I just didn't care. Because I loved you. I have since I was a child and I thought you loved me back. I mean, you always got yours didn't you? You used to brag about it. You'd tell all your friends, hell you'd tell EVERYONE and I quote: "OVER 1 BILLION SERVED."
And now what, that's not good enough for you anymore? You got a little success in life doing ONE thing and you want to walk around acting like it was another?
Oh right, like slow roasting an angus burger is going to legitimize you and make you, "NOT fast food." That makes me laugh. It isn't the time it takes to process the food that makes it higher quality - dummy. Do you really think doing your little "chef events" in local markets gives you more credibility? We all know the salads you introduced to your menu "by chefs" over a decade ago account for only 2-3% of sales. It's weaksauce. I told you to stop, but you wouldn't listen. Instead you insisted that a fruit and walnut salad will increase sales. Yeah, how'd that go for you? What? What's that you say? You don't even sell it anymore? Hmm.
You're acting as if you never used to have a clown, or a Hamburglar, or even GRIMACE. Like, your chicken nuggets are made primarily of white meat. Haha. Like, you never even had a "Dollar Menu."
Did you really think changing the name of the "Dollar Menu" to "Value Menu" was going to trick me? Or, that you could change it back to "Dollar Menu & More" without me knowing what you were doing? l knew it wasn't a dollar. I can see it was capitalized.
And see that's your problem. You want to stand there pissing on my head while telling me it's raining. Well, I've got news for you. I never thought for 1 moment that a tiny package of sliced apples was obesity repellent for kids.
I heard what you said. Well, Kevin Newell (your US brand and strategy officer) said it. "We're going to start really, really telling our story in a much more proactive manner."
Newsflash: NOBODY CARES!
I wish you'd go back to just being you. I know you aren't good for me. That's why I only came to see you every now and again. It was never about the quality of the food. It never will be. It never can be. Remember, I knew you a LONG time ago. I know who you REALLY are.
Maybe if you were to truly change. You know, scrap everything and start over. Then maybe there could be a chance for us. Then I would know you were REAL again and could perhaps forgive you for treating me like this. But if you are going to keep messing with me by calling your fast food, "good food served fast" - I'm out.
I'm going to miss you - the old you. It's going to be hard every day when I drive by your place not putting the blinker on and swinging in for a visit. Not to hit below the belt, but I've had a lot more fun hanging out over at the local Farmers Market lately, anyway.
So, I guess, this is it. Good luck with that Kung Pao chicken "appetizer" thing. I'm sure no one will even notice the McNuggets after you douse them in sweet and sour sauce. Especially since you are garnishing it in parsley.
As for me, I'm going healthier (except for a DQ indulgence from time to time - don't be jealous). I spent way too much time at your place over the years and realize I must change my ways. I even signed up for an endurance event a few months ago. I've been training hard for it. You didn't even notice, did you? It doesn't matter.
C/ya around,
Neil